KILLING OF THE CARLTON MOON

Well I’m back, said Samwise Gamgee after his adventures in Middle Earth. Going to talk to you about Gameweek 29’s Team of the Weak.

And so am I. Let’s dive the hell in.

DUBRAVKA – 4.2 – NEWCASTLE UTD

Inspiring as much confidence in the troops as General Custer on an off day, Dubravka flapped and flailed his way through another hapless 90 minutes. The Goalkeepers Union may well point to those in front of him, but the man has the footwork of an amoeba.

I mean Ramsdale and Neto essentially threw balls into their own nets this week and I’ve not picked either of them. THAT is how bad Newcastle are without Nick Pope in between the sticks.

Ederson fucking assaulted a man and he isn’t in the top 3. For fucks sake what a season this has been for keepers.

JORGENSEN – 4.5 – BRENTFORD

Allegedly a defender, Mathias Jorgensen hasn’t kept a clean sheet this season and has conceded a goal every 39 minutes he’s spent on the pitch.

Good luck to those going double Brentford’s defence at the weekend. Like walking into Alton Towers for free and only riding the Squirrel Nutty.

CASH – 4.6 – ASTON VILLA

Less of a defender and more of a wandering haircut. But enough about Gianni Buttice. Matty Cash watched in statuesque grandeur as Johnson, then Werner, than Udogie, then Gary Mabbutt ran past him with reckless abandon.

KERKEZ – 4.4 – BOURNEMOUTH

Played for 45 minutes, booked, dragged, drugged, dropped. Another absolute win for FPL Review and algorithms everywhere. Of course, those who don’t charge you for content actually pushed him and picked Zabarnyi instead. They are smarter than you.

McGINN – 5.4 – ASTON VILLA

Reckless, out of control, high, dangerous and could have seriously injured the player. But enough about Jeremy Doku’s challenge that wasn’t deemed a penalty.

GIBBS-WHITE – 5.7 – NOTTINGHAM FOREST

Forest have won once in 8 matches and are in serious danger of relegation. Gibbs-White, clearly shackled by the continuous presence in my FPL team, is floating around with the ethereal menace of a soul trapped in purgatory.

He needs divine fucking intervention.

STERLING – 6.9 – CHELSEA

Starting the season in fine form, Sterling had 5 goals in his first 10 starts and looked to be back on the brink of the England team. Since then he has scored once, regularly lost his place to Mudryk and now been called out as not good enough to play with Cole Palmer by Tim Sherwood on live TV.

As falls from grace go, this is biblical.

DIAZ – 7.5 – LIVERPOOL

This was far from a poor performance from the lively Columbian, but he had not one, not two, but three chances to win the game for Liverpool and wet himself on every occasion.

Like a toddler without a potty and nothing but a litre of apple juice for company.

BETO/DCL – 5.7/5.8 – EVERTON

In the last 12 matches, Everton’s front two have played for over 1200 minutes and have scored a single goal. They have had 42 attempts, 13 big chances and accumulated an xG of 6.77.

Both now appear on the FBIs most wanted list.

HAALAND – 14.4 – MANCHESTER CITY

So anonymous he could have been a background figure in a Where’s Wally comic, but the Nordic Giant failed to influence the potential title decider in any meaningful way whatsoever.

Brave/crazy FPL Managers who removed him for Carlton Morris seen wanking themselves in slow motion before last night’s match.

MORRIS – 5.2 – LUTON

The day the wanking died.

SUMMARY

I’ll be back next week for the yearly Free Shit post as FPL Twitter Managers everywhere template the fuck up and get ready to laugh in Andy Martin’s face for even a 10-point gain.

I’d like to say it’s good to be back. But have you seen my fucking team?

One love. HM.

About The Author